alwaystheocean

Continuing adventures in psychiatric diagnosis (I will come up with better subject lines)

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 22:07:33 GMT

If this sticks, I'm gonna need some more icons. Or at least a more up to date default.

Slight snafu in that I could not sleep for hours last night, I do suspect it's the, ahem, stimulant. I took it an hour earlier today, let's see if that helps any. I've also had a shower and am going to take myself to bed and start wind down earlier.

Didn't get up or going much earlier but again, by choice, because how much I didn't sleep wiped me out, and mornings are hard, and there's no real need to push through that right now. But again, that felt much easier to identify and decide than normal, normally I'd feel really bad about it.

Today wasn't quite as overwhelmingly obviously productive as yesterday but still pretty good.

The main thing to log is I've now had a couple of instances where I've been able to identify the sticking point isn't necessarily motivation, it's not wanting to do the thing because I want to rest because I'm tired instead, or have a bit longer with the thing I'm doing, which is stationary, before I move onto the thing I'm trying to get myself to do, which is active. And I couldn't hear that under a lot of ADHD guilt and anxiety and trying to cajole myself into something, I was just assuming I can't do a thing, so, bad. Absolutely wild sensation, it feels like excavating my own feelings and motivations. Which between therapy and medication for depression isn't new, just, a whole new area has been unlocked.

It's made today feel much more restful as a result, honestly. It's like when I *am* resting I know that I'll be better able to get up and do whatever it is when I'm done resting. Whereas normally I'd be stressing myself about how I'm wasting time, I won't get to it, oh god, this is a good window, I'll NEVER get to it. And like, I don't think this is a magic fix, but it feels like this tiny gear shift that's just making a lot of other things easier. So...it kind of also does feel a bit like magic. Wild, did I mention?

So I guess it's doing good things for executive function but also, I dunno, whichever bit of the ADHD brain that's bad at delayed gratification, external motivation, planning etc.

Today I bought a bunch of new clothes, it took about an hour, and much less agonising about the decisions involved. I also did more laundry, also noteworthy because I sorted through what was dry and what wasnted with neither sturm nor drang. Normally I just let it sit for days till I'm sure it's dry.

I also sorted through my snag tights, another task I've been thinking I should do for at least a year.

PLUS some other odds and ends around the house. Honestly any one or two of the things I've done the last two days would be a cause for celebration if I'd done them last week. And I'm still celebrating! Just. LOTS of things.

That said I also forgot to ask my BFF how she was when we were chatting cuz I was so excited about ADHD med developments (not a big deal, this is how we chat, just, some things stay the same), and forgot I was going to send an email. So, you know, not perfect.

I think if I don't adjust to it enough to sleep earlier at night that'll eventually be a problem but it's day 2, not worried yet.

Brave new world. That I'm going to take over. (OK, goodnight.)

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Adventures in psychiatric diagnosis

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 22:36:16 GMT

So as mentioned on Bluesky, I'm having a very exciting month! I got diagnosed with ADHD last week for a start! I had my first day on stimulants today!

Let me tell you, it's been stimulating!

Like, early doors obv, and it really could be psychosomatic, or a placebo, (...is that the same thing?) which is part of what I'm doing here, I always want to make more time for DW and I really would like to document the experience so why not combine the two.

Today I:
- made the conscious choice to turn off my alarm and go back to sleep till 11 (I'm off work right now, why deserves its own post)
- took my stimulant at around 11
- again, actively chose to stay in bed and dick around on my phone for an hour. This is pretty standard but today it didn't feel like I was stuck and dragging my heels the way it usually does, having made the decision to take it easy today, it felt like I was hurkledurkling and enjoying it. (We went to the Globe yesterday, which is always great but always fatiguing, plus a bunch of other stuff lately has also been a lot.)
- when I did decide to get up, it happened really quickly and easily, normally I get distracted, sit back down a lot, switch around between tasks in an entirely unproductive way, etc, but at 12ish I decided to get up and by 12:30 I was up, had eaten, dressed, made my bed, washed etc, and had settled down to the day's tasks, which is already wild, honestly.
- by 2pm, I had completed the jobs I'd set myself for the day. (Catching up with my accounts, which I was 6-8 weeks behind on, unpack from the weekend, and start laundry going.)
- While doing my accounts, I didn't get distracted by notifications on my phone or laptop once, which is W I L D.
- I then did half my physio exercises for a knee injury, another thing I normally drag my heels on and struggle to get done.
- I got a call from the garage, informing me my car was ready to pick up. I said "how's now?" and had left the house within 5 minutes, also unheard of, and was back home with my car with the whole thing start to finish having taken inside 30 minutes.
- I then cast about for something else to do, and decided to write my Dear Festividder, which, again, I did in one sitting, no distractions, and it was really easy.
- I then hung out my laundry (as soon as the cycle ended), put on more, made lunch, tidied up the kitchen, ate lunch, and read my book and did some knitting.
- by this time it was only 4pm, at which point I got a few bits done on my laptop, and headed out to the gym exactly at the time I meant to, and finished my physio before doing a workout with usuallyhats, headed home, showered, had a phone call with our mortgage broker, and made dinner.
- I've also done my sketch for the day (I've been doing a sketch a day journal since April) with no heel dragging, and written this entire entry.
- We also watched Crit Role Campaign 4 with dinner and then tea and knitting.

So that's my whole day. I don't intend to start journalling my whole life like this, tho I guess it does have its appeal. Written down like that I'd say the med is working. I feel fine. I feel *great* even, like I'm not fighting myself to get things done and like it's easier to focus on just deciding to do a thing and put things in order to do them. After breakfast this morning, I started playing a phone game but at some point while waiting for an ad, just got up and got on with my day. That is another pitfall that just...didn't happen to me today.

If things keep up like this I've got plans for world domination before the end of the year.

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Dear Festividder Letter 2024/5

Fri, 03 Oct 2025 17:47:48 GMT

Dear Festividder,

OK so first off, thank you for making me a vid!! :D I am absolutely sure I will love whatever it is, and am most interested in you having a nice time making it so don't worry about any of the below too much.

I've lifted some generalities straight from a recent letter, here they are:

( Music )

( General )

And now, the fandoms!

( The Secret Garden (1993) [SAFETY] )

( The Avengers (TV 1961) )

( Jem and the Holograms (Cartoon), My Little Pony (Cartoon 1984-1987), She-Ra: Princess Of Power (1985) )

( Realm of the Elderlings - Robin Hobb )

( Steerswoman Series - Rosemary Kirstein )

But again, really, have fun! Can't wait to see what you make!

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January Talking Meme - Comfort Foods

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 15:26:02 GMT

'Do you have any comfort foods?' asked by lokifan

So this one is tricky for me as I do have a disordered relationship to food, tho I am doing much better with it these days.

However, toast, eggs, avocados are always both safe and comforting. (I love all three of these foods a normal amount.) Likewise tea, coffee, hot chocolate. Custard, fruit. Carrots. Yoghurt, smoothies. Some of these I should remember to stock more, honestly.

Porridge with brown sugar, milk, cinnamon, pears, and raisins.

In terms of a bit more complex, soup and a toastie. Moussaka, lasagne, pasta cheese. Katsu curry.

Ice cream!

I had this vision when I proposed this meme that I would use it as a bit of a writing exercise and that hasn't really happened so far, but there is still time. ;D

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January Talking Meme - Recent Craft Projects

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 14:45:29 GMT

'What craft projects have you been making recently?' asked by glinda

Doing great at posting these on time. ;D

Never mind!

So recent craft projects. I've really fallen off the wagon knitting-wise, I would quite like to get back on it. I've got a pair of gloves, a pair of legwarmers, and a baby hat partially started, but none got very far or are sparking joy, and a cardigan where all I have to do is sew the sleeves into tubes, sew them on, and then weave in the ends, and I cannot believe that I can't just finish it. (Admittedly partly this is because it's not come out quite as I was hoping.)

I would like to pick knitting back up, and I think in order to do so I might need to call time on the above and rethink what I would like to knit next, then put some time into choosing a pattern and yarn etc.

I had a brief flirtation with drawing in October that I'd like to go back to, it's on my Instagram. I'd also like to play with watercolours a bit.

Other than that if puzzles count I've done a bunch with usuallyhats, and cardamomtoast and family. We had a puzzles day as part of our Christmas holiday where I did a 100~ piece one with each of her kids, and everyone helped me with my 500 piece one. J and I have just finished a M*A*S*H one and late last year we did a gorgeous one of a painting. We'll probably do a Critical Role one next.

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January Talking Meme - My favourite source to vid

Fri, 19 Jan 2024 16:39:00 GMT

'What's your favorite source to vid?' asked by aurumcalendula

Critical Role! Next? ;)

OK, no, I'll be a bit more detailed than that.

By sheer numbers it definitely is Critical Role though, it's long since eclipsed any other fandom in terms of number of fanworks or vids.

Yeah. Having thought about it I actually don't have anything else to add. I love vidding Critical Role. It has everything I want. Now that we have Legend of Vox Machina it even has footage that changes rooms/scenes and shows people with legs. And I feel like if I wait long enough most of it will wind up animated.

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January Talking Meme - My current home, or my fav hygge/nesting things

Fri, 19 Jan 2024 15:39:18 GMT

'What's your current home like, or what are your favourite hygge/nesting things about it?' asked by cesy

So my doing these on time is going about as I expected but only a day late, this one!

usuallyhats and I own our flat together. It took us a good 2 years after buying it to start thinking about redecorating, due to an understandable mix of pandemic, life, mild burnout, and the whole thing with my mum dying. But we are now in very slow process and having a great time! She's fully redecorated her room, it looks so great that it inspired me to start on mine! Mine is going even more slowly but I've repainted and replaced most of the furniture. Still one piece to build, then fully unpacking and finishing off the declutter. After that I've got ideas for more decorating but I sort of forget how close I am to finishing! I'm thinking mostly fannish stuff on the walls, honestly, plus better displaying some of my knickknacks.

After that, we really want to tackle the living room and also put up some more pictures. We've got plans for the whole flat, including re-doing the bathroom, which I'm very excited about. All I want is a bigger bath. Dunno whether our tiny bathroom can accommodate that but we'll find out together.

Partly because of who we are as people, partly because the demands of capitalism raise the bar on being good house spouses and holding down a full time job too high, it's sort of cheerfully messy, more so because of the redecorating in progress.

It's nice and cosy tho and we like it.

My favourite hygge things about it are big duvets, our own Critical Role minkie each, my yellow IKEA chair and footstool, and hot water bottles in bed.

I guess these could be longer but I think this is all I have to say on this topic. Plus it's not so cosy in this flat right now, I can't really feel my fingers.

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January Talking Meme - My favourite vid

Tue, 16 Jan 2024 12:35:06 GMT

'What's your favorite vid you've made?' asked by aurumcalendula

Ooh, this is hard!! Cuz I could talk about a lot of other things but I'm bad at favourites at the best of times.

And one thing that I love about vidding is I enjoy the end result, which is not true of writing or podfic, honestly. I might come to appreciate the finished result there, but not enjoy it to the same degree my audience seems to.

There's definitely vids I love more and vids I love less, so I have favourites, which include Something Beautiful, Odds Are, Beautiful Hopeful, Read All About It, Never Look Away, and Ready For The Storm.

This makes me think I love my high concept, feelings-y vids more, and I'm interested that I apparently have a favourite of the Legend of Vox Machina trio. I'm also interested The Call wasn't on this list.

I do love my comedy vids too, and in some ways I think they're showier of my skills, but what can I say, I'm all about the feelings.

So yeah, short answer, I guess it's one of the above. Narrowing down further I could get it down to Something Beautiful, Read All About It, and Never Look Away but that's the best I can do.

If I had any sense I'd add links to all these.

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January Talking Meme - Recent Fun Travel

Tue, 16 Jan 2024 12:05:36 GMT

Have you done any recent fun travel?" asked by cesy

And the answer is: always!

I love travelling, and I love finally being at a point in my life where I can afford to do it without scrimping or help that usually has strings attached.

Last year I was in NZ for January and February for sad reasons (my mum died November 2023 and I went out there to look after her and then sort out her affairs) but tacked onto the end best flatmate usuallyhats came out to meet me and we had a couple of weeks' holiday in NZ together and it's honestly one of the best travel experiences of my life. It was lovely to try holidaying just the two of us, it was wonderful to get to show New Zealand off to someone, it was wonderful that that someone was said usuallyhats, one of the top people I'd most want to show NZ off to. And so much aligned, we had some absolutely perfect weather when we went to the South Island, we found some really magical places to stay, we ate some lovely food, went on lots of lovely walks, it was just gorgeous. We're hoping to go back.

On the way back we stopped over in San Francisco for long enough to go peep at the Golden Gate Bridge, at which point J's flight called her back to the airport but I popped down to I forget where but near the water where I saw a bunch of sea lions and ate a truly delicious clam chowder bread bowl that I still think about a lot.

Other fun travel last year included road trips with best C's and J to Wales, a house party at friend I's parents' house near Liverpool, the annual trip to the Lake District where I finally tried sailing and windsurfing, and multiple trips to Spain to visit cardamomtoast and family, where I finally tried sea kayaking, which was even more amazing than I'd been lead to believe.

Also not mentioned: the time I spent in Melbourne with cardamomtoast and fam. Admittedly that was a pretty chaotic time for lots of reasons but it had lots of cool bits, and will always be remembered fondly for, if nothing else, all the progress all three of her kiddos made with swimming. <3 (They came out to NZ to support me for a bunch of December and January, and it was so helpful having them there, and I loved showing them bits of NZ, and exploring some new bits together.)

The other big highlight also features usuallyhats and grief. We planned a trip to Fort William for the anniversary of mum's death (mid November), and it truly was an inspired life choice. It was magical, I can't quite believe it happened, and by the time the anniversary rolled round, I was so braced for it that I was vibrating out of my tree and in desperate need of a break. Scotland is really beautiful, did we know? I'm not always touched by the UK's natural beauty but so far the Lake District, Scotland, and Formby are really working for me. (Be great to find somewhere a bit closer to hand though.)

This year is mostly a few UK plans, more trips to Spain, and a trip to Portugal to see Taylor Swift (the degree to which I lost my mind procuring Eras tour tickets is a whole other post) but more may yet materialise!

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Grump grump grump

Thu, 21 Dec 2023 14:27:21 GMT

I'm in a mood, and I thought I'd write about it on my dreamwidth like it's 2005 or something.

So I think it's mostly just SAD, even though I can see a strip of blue sky out the window. (Oop, no, it's gone.) I also think I'm just tired and done.

I also think I know there's a bunch of things it would be really great to get done but I can't quite summon the motivation.

So, once again, like it's 2005 or something, I'm going to write them out and see if that helps.

Work related:
- ~~Expenses to finance and uploaded to SharePoint~~
- ~~Email IT updates to some address lists~~
- Figure out the spreadsheet thing (an attempt was made, punting to next year)
- ~~Two bits of diary wrangling for head of dept and deputy head of dept~~
- ~~Two room bookings~~
- The bits of training lurking in my inbox since March (punting to next year)
- Ideally tidy up my OneDrive and get it moved to SharePoint (punting to next year)
- ~~Handover emails, one to co-admin and one to entire team~~
- ~~Out of office for me and the various shared inboxes I monitor~~

Non work related:
- ~~Laundry~~
- Wash my hair
- Wrap presents (done and given one, snerk)
- Any food shopping for bits of 23rd to 27th I'm feeding myself for
- Figure out where I'm sleeping Xmas Day and Boxing Day and plan outfits/packing accordingly
- Start packing for visit to V's (complicated by being unclear what the weather is doing over there and some extra bits of luggage)
- Ideally clear the absolute chaos of clothes all over the floor resulting from room redecoration and inertia
- Produce a first draft of my festivid (in progress)

I think part of the problem is I think I have time and while that's true, not as much as I think, I have a couple of hours this afternoon and tomorrow for the work stuff, and then a bit of the 23rd and Xmas eve for the non work related stuff, and the laundry needs time to dry.

So maybe I'll put the laundry on and knock off the quick wins work-wise and try the bigger bits tomorrow.

Looking at that list it was pretty stupid to book 3 hours of sailing on Saturday but consider, I *really* wanted to go sailing.

Looking at that list I also think I have some sort of deadline panic spiral where I've got 3 sets of deadlines (work, festivids, stuff that needs doing before Xmas/I go away) that's made me freeze and not do any of them.

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Three posts in a day? What is this, 2005?

Wed, 06 Dec 2023 15:10:39 GMT

But, it's my holiday love meme thread!

✨ holiday love meme 2023 ✨
my thread here

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What's new, Buenos Aires?

Wed, 06 Dec 2023 13:47:56 GMT

I'm new!

Wait, no.

As per previous entry, I've been meaning to get back on here, I miss that there's like, a decade of my life not recorded here. Not quite as long as I was using it for prior to that, I don't think, but getting there. It was a good habit, Brent, and I'd like it back.

I'm not even going to attempt to summarise my life to date, though I will be taking questions at this time, and now here I am staring at this text box devoid of ideas of what to talk about.

Well, OK, here's something I've been enjoying considering: rewatching films.

I feel like any film that's come out since I went to uni struggles to compete with films I watched as a kid/teenager because a) I had a lot more free time then and I spent a fair chunk of it rewatching films (mostly musicals) (mostly Evita lbr) b) any new films added to the "will endlessly rewatch" list have to compete with what's already on the list, and those films have a head start, see a).

So I was surprised the other day by how many times I've seen Frozen and Frozen II, despite usuallyhats pointing out that a) I have a lot of friends who are children and I've watched it multiple times with many of them b) I watch it without children too. Which does make sense but good work Frozen and Frozen II for competing with the likes of Evita and The Secret Garden. (Ooh, DW doesn't have emojis, this is weird, it's like a whole other language. I guess it would if I typed this on my phone but no thanks.)

It's also fully wild to consider that none of my kiddo friends were born when Frozen came out and only a couple of them when Frozen II came out. We were chatting at D&D the other day about how Frozen really has honed the Disney crack witchcraft, the fact it reigns supreme with jakera.livejournal.com and H's twin girls (who are 2) ever since their first week at nursery is kind of wild really. It's also apparently the only film my friends A&P's kids, M&S will sit through.

Which obv makes the stealth aro agenda of Frozen II even better. :D

This is a post, right? This is how that works?

Ok, fine, some news.

Last time I updated here I had one (1) tattoo, the raven for prysmicdork.

This year I got, um, six (6) new ones. One of them in NZ in January, five in one day in March in London, and my biggest one to date on Monday, again, in London, same artist as the other five but at their new studio. (Which I like better than their old studio.)

I got a bunch of flowers on my left shoulder for my mum (she died November last year of the cancer diagnosis I mentioned in January last year. Last year sucked; this year wasn't much of an improvement, being the first one without my mother in it.), a picture of best beloved pup Missy, of late lamented blessed memory, curled up asleep on my left calf, where she used to sleep in life, a rainbow hummingbird and some Leonard Cohen lyrics for purplefringe, and some koi fish on my left inner arm between wrist and elbow. Those are partly for Phoebe too, partly for my aunt Ana (who also died last year, see previous statement on last year), and partly just for me as a kind of self soothing practice written on my body.

The tattoo this week is the first one just for me, and it's also the biggest (and consequently most expensive) one. I've been through a full range of emotions about spending that money on just me but ultimately I'm glad I've done it. It's a fat selkie across my right thigh. It's huge, I love it so much. I was originally considering a mermaid, but tattoo artist suggested selkie when I said I didn't feel as connected to mermaids cuz of all the connotations with conventional beauty (and I know there's a lot of excellent work being done to reclaim that, but it still feels like challenging something in a way that wasn't working for me for this tattoo) and something in my brain was just like yes. I love referring to my fat as my blubber, particularly since discovering it genuinely helps with cold water swimming!

The thing I learned at this tattoo session is I'm good at being tattooed? Which seems like a ludicrous thing to claim to be good at, but here we are! I'm good at sitting still when uncomfortable, I don't find it particularly painful (ok except by hour 6, then I get a bit "UNHAND ME" when we're going over what feels like the same spot repeatedly), I'm happy to just zone out and entertain myself, I take direction well (do with that what you will).

There's also something there about being ace and kinky I think, like how can you explore kink without sex, and I wonder if the answer isn't things like, oh, I don't know, tattoos, aerial, pointe.

And on that thought, I'm out.

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Let's try the January talking meme again, shall we?

Wed, 06 Dec 2023 13:17:12 GMT

I've been meaning to pick dreamwidth back up for, oh, years, so this seems like a good way to start! (I will also be posting other things. ;D) (Gosh I should really get some new icons if I'm doing this.)

Pick a date in January and give me something to talk about! TV, books, movies, music, poetry, fandom, writing, food, travel, fictional characters (&/or pairings) and all of their feelings, whatever.

You don't have to be following me or ever have commented to request a topic. If you're doing the meme, I'll leave topics for you, too! Feel free to link me at any time if you want one.

Feel free to suggest multiple topics/dates (or to just leave a topic and no date - I'll fill it in).

January 1 -

January 2 -

January 3 -

January 4 -

January 5 -

January 6 -

January 7 -

January 8 -

January 9 -

January 10 -

January 11 -

January 12 -

January 13 -

January 14 -

January 15 -

January 16 - 'Have you done any recent fun travel?' asked by cesy

January 17 - 'What's your favorite vid you've made?' asked by aurumcalendula

January 18 - 'What's your current home like, or what are your favourite hygge/nesting things about it?' asked by cesy

January 19 - 'What's your favorite source to vid?' asked by aurumcalendula

January 20 -

January 21 -

January 22 - 'What craft projects have you been making recently?' asked by glinda

January 23 - 'Do you have any comfort foods?' asked by lokifan

January 24 - 'What do you love about cold water swimming?' asked by glinda

January 25 - 'What do you think makes for a good vid song?' asked by lokifan

January 26 - 'If you feel like it I'd love to hear about your job!' asked by tellitslant

January 27 -

January 28 -

January 29 - 'I would please like a post about your deep dive (pun intended) into the world of watersports!' asked by tellitslant

January 30 - 'I see you have a Taylor Swift tag but haven't posted about her in a while - do you have any faves from the last few albums?' asked by lokifan

January 31 -

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Dear Festividder Letter

Sun, 22 Oct 2023 20:36:24 GMT

Dear Festividder,

Hi! :D

First off, thank you so much for making me a vid! I can't wait to see what you come up with! The stuff below is mostly meant to help, not hinder, optional details are optional. I'd much rather see the vid of your heart than have you get hampered down with the below.

Like there's a couple of things that I'd be less keen on receiving but I'll try to be clear about flagging those.

(Also a lot of this is fairly shamelessly copy/pasted from previous letters. ;D)

Music

I've been introduced to so much music I adore that I may never have discovered but for vids so I don't want to rule anything out. Possibly not famously faily artists or songs like Blurred Lines or like, Chris Brown maybe, but other than that, go wild!

I particularly adore Taylor Swift, Dar Williams, Vienna Teng, Emeli Sande's 'Our Version of Events' album, and female vocalists/singer/song-writers in general. I've also recently got very into Delta Rae, Dessa, First Aid Kit, and Sara Bareilles. I also really love musicals. I used to feel weird about them being used for vids when I connect them to their show but I've seen enough vids with musical theatre songs now that if you have an idea, I want to see it!

The most important thing is that the song be right for the fandom/character/vid, and seriously, some of my best beloved music has come to me through vids soooo...surprise me! :D

General

I am far more interested in female characters, and with a few of the requests below I am actively less interested in the guys. This is quite a binary way of looking at it and I will point out anyone who is outside that binary I either do or don't want a vid about but with say, Critical Role and Wheel of Time, I would adore a vid about almost any lady but don't care so much about say, Rand, or Liam O'Brien and Sam Riegel as I do Moiraine, Laura, Ashley, and Marisha.

Tonally for Festivids I'm variable depending on source but I think with the exception of Wheel of Time lean more to the upbeat. I love found family as a trope, people doing their best to do the right thing and trying to change the world for the better as best they can within their own sphere, be it little or big, character studies are great, ship vids are great, "yay we love this source" is great.

Fandoms

The Adventures of Tintin and Adaptations [UMBRELLA]

OK I know what I just said about female characters, don't worry. With this one you really can't go wrong. If you're looking for ideas, usuallyhats made me an incredible one for Festivids last year that was basically everything I wanted. I just want more. Shenanigans would be lovely, Haddock/Calculus/Tintin would be lovely, how great Snowy is and how hard his life is would be lovely. I asked for the umbrella but the books and cartoon are my childhood favs. But I'd also love to see what you did with the whole umbrella. I haven't seen the live action film but it looked like good vid fodder. I think I'd be less interested in something only about the film but if you have an idea, go for it! There's also a radio play series that's excellent but harder to vid.

Critical Role (Web Series) RPF

So I love these doofuses with my whole entire heart, they've been my primary fandom for coming up on 6 years now and I've never been this monofannish for this long. I've never requested them in festivids before so this is uncharted territory.

As I said above, while I adore all of them and would be very happy with an ensemble vid about their beautiful faces and how much they love each other, I wouldn't want a vid focused only or even primarily on any of the boys.

I would be overjoyed if you were to do a "ladies of CritRole" vid, and included people who've guested at the table, I'm very slowly working on one of my own. (Depending on how you felt and what you chose I'd love to see the various nb folks make an appearance too but leave it up to you to handle that in a way that doesn't invalidate their gender.)

A theme in my vids I'm not getting tired of anytime soon is how they've come from where they started, charting their success, etc.

Something that incorporates the stories of the campaigns would also be lovely, or something that explores the storytelling medium. Really, anything, these are just a few ideas if you need them, the only hard thing here is "not just the guys, please".

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023) [SAFETY]

I was delighted with this movie, I can't get over what a good job it did of being an excellent movie and a good D&D movie. You can't go far wrong here, really. (Well, possibly not Simon/Doric. They're fine, I just don't want a whole vid about them.) Found family and team shenanigans would probably be my top choice but if there's enough footage a Doric or Holga character study would be amazing. Again, usuallyhats made an incredible vid for this movie that is a great steer on what I'd love.

If you can somehow vid how well the movie embraced the fact it's a D&D movie I'd be thrilled but again, it's just an idea, excited to see anything!

Exandria Unlimited: Calamity (Web Series)

I was about to explain this to you but if we matched on it you know what it is. ;D

This mini campaign was incredible, for my money it might be the best thing CritRole have done to date. I love everything about it. Really anything you wanted to do would be fine. The caveat about not focusing only on the guys applies but otherwise, anything, genuinely. I love the characters, I love the players, I love the worldbuilding, I love every single story choice, I love the tone and message, I love what an amazing, hopeful, inspiring story they made out of something to which you knew the ending, you can't go wrong.

The Wheel of Time (TV)

OK I requested this last year and loved the vids I got but I have since gone feral for it and require even more.

Where to start? I love Moiraine, anything about her, her and Siuan, or her and Lan would be amazing. OR BOTH. I love both those relationships a lot and a vid about either or somehow with the limited footage we have, both, and how they relate to each other and Moiraine would be incredible. Or anything about the sacrifices she's made, yes delicious. This is the only fandom where I am not looking for lighter tone necessarily. (Though it does have its moments so if you're inspired, go for it.) I also love Alanna and her policule, and Egwene, and Nynaeve, and Elayne. (I ship them as a policule.) I'd love to see a vid about the choices and sacrifices everyone I've just listed and then some has had to make, the White Tower and the situation is fucking them all over pretty hard. (Loial's line in the finale about the heroes of today!) Absolutely fucking loved Verin too, would love a vid about her and the Brown Ajah. I'm also obsessed with the idea that the show is presenting the Light and the Dark as very literally black and white but then doing so much interesting work with how people can do awful things in the name of the light and great things in the name of the dark, so a vid on that would be incredible.

Less interested in the Two Rivers boys, so wouldn't be keen to see a vid focused on them, though obv as part of an ensemble, absolutely. I'm also not so bothered about the canon het ships, namely Egwene and Rand and Nynaeve and Lan.

Also, this show is fucking gorgeous so anything showcasing how the one power is wielded, or the scenery and cinematography would also be lovely tbh.

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Dear Festividder Letter

Mon, 24 Oct 2022 02:55:23 GMT

This is a placeholder!

I will do my best to get this written in the next few days, but in case I don't, the exchange letters tab should be very helpful if you're anxious to get started!

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Vidukon premieres! x3! I lost my mind!

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 21:32:14 GMT

So it's been a bit of a year, and apparently part of how I've coped is I've made an average of a vid a month. Except it's more like I made 3 in one month around Jan/Feb and then 3 in one month around May/June. I don't know. I think it helps. I also am now realizing I never posted my festivids, but honestly posting these nearly ended me so, uh, they're on AO3.

Title: Not Your Hero
Fandom: The Legend of Vox Machina
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Music: Not Your Hero - Tegan and Sara
Content notes: Cartoonish violence, physical triggers.
Summary: "I'm not their hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave."
Download: Mediafire
Also available on: AO3 | Tumblr

Title: Beautiful Hopeful
Fandom: The Legend of Vox Machina
Character/Pairing: Vex/Keyleth, Vex, Keyleth, sort of a ship vid come character study.
Music: Beautiful Hopeful - Thea Gilmore
Content notes: I don't think so?
Summary: "Play it dangerous and don't look back, Can you hear the way the newest hopefuls play"
Download: Mediafire
Also available on: AO3 | Tumblr

Title: My Silver Lining
Fandom: The Legend of Vox Machina
Character/Pairing: Vex/Keyleth/Pike and/or Polymachina, up to the viewer.
Music: Silver Lining - First Aid Kit
Content notes: I don't think so.
Summary: "A song's never just sad There's hope, there's a silver lining Show me my silver lining" The women of Vox Machina never take the easy road. Also they love each other. A Pike, Vex, and Keyleth vid, from the Legend of Vox Machina.
Download: Mediafire
Also available on: AO3 | Tumblr

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Last year's festivid, because DW is an idiot

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 20:57:01 GMT

Title: Mineshaft
Fandom: Hamilton
Character/Pairing: Aaron Burr
Music: Mineshaft - Dessa
Content notes: I don't think so?
Summary: I've been here before, I know where it goes.
Notes: Turns out I have a lot of Burr feelings.
Download: here |173 mb
Also on: AO3 | Tumblr

Took me an entire year to notice a formatting error, so here, have last year's festivid that's been lurking under last year's Vidukon premiere, because I am good at this sort of thing.

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Coping with my feelings through vidding

Fri, 28 Jan 2022 02:12:22 GMT

Title: Something Beautiful
Fandom: Critical Role/The Legend of Vox Machina
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Music: Something Beautiful - NEEDTOBREATHE
Content notes: It's a bit flashier than my vids usually are. Physical triggers, flashing lights at 00:06-00:09, 02:36-02:38, 02:49-02:51, 03:04, 03:13-03:15 seconds. These are all from the cartoon credits and logo sequence so if those are OK this won't be an issue. There is also a lighting effect at 02:53, which is from the original Critical Role credits from campaign 1, so again, if you are familiar and know you are OK with that that also won't be a problem. The pandemic as a theme comes up from 01:19 to 02:10.
Summary: "Waiting for something beautiful." A vid in which I attempt to express my feelings waiting for "The Legend of Vox Machina".
Download: here

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FESTIVIDS 2021 Dear vidder letter

Sun, 24 Oct 2021 04:06:30 GMT

SHRIEK

Hi this is a placeholder for my dear festividder letter

(I am bad at these sometimes but feel free to prod me anonymously if I don't get it together, PLUS the tag of previous letters will hopefully be helpful!)

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FEMSLASHEX

Sat, 02 Oct 2021 21:55:45 GMT

PLACEHOLDER

(SHRIEK)

(Sometimes I am crap at these and also c/p heavily so if you want a flavour of what I like check out the tag for previous letters!)

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Vidukon 2021 premiere

Fri, 02 Jul 2021 15:51:36 GMT

Title: The Call
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Music: The Call - Regina Spektor
Content notes: I'don't think so.
Summary: Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.
Notes: So I made a vid about hobbits. But it's also a little bit about purplefringe. Last time I re-read the books, she mentioned that she had plans to make a hobbits vid, she just needed a song. I was very excited for her to do that and did try to find her one, but to no avail. After she died, I kept thinking about all the vids she would never make, this one chief among them. And when I found a song, it felt like the thing I wanted to make, a little bit for her. It's obviously not the vid she would have made, it could never be that, but I'm glad I've made it all the same.
Spoilers: All 3 books and films.
Download: here | 209 mb
Also on: AO3 | Tumblr

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Seeking Vid Source/TTRPG Recs

Sun, 18 Apr 2021 20:24:46 GMT

So I’m hoping to make another Critical Role vid, because of who I am as a person.

The one I’d like to make this time would be seeking to express how many other streaming TTRPGs have launched directly inspired by Critical Role.

HOWEVER I’m also aware of the fact that D&D has existed long before Critical Role, and plenty of people are doing their TTRPG streaming thing totally independently of them, so it’s really important to me that any other shows I include it’s either very clear CritRole was their starting point (say, a few of Geek and Sundry’s back catalogue) or they give explicit consent for me to use footage from their stream in that way.

I’ll be using this dreamwidth post to direct people to if they have questions so while I’m here, my vids go on my YouTube, my AO3, here, my Tumblr, and Vimeo, and I make no money off them. I might hope to show this one at vidding conventions or conventions with a vid track, like Vidukon, or Fanworks,or Wiscon. If you want an idea of what my Critical Role vids are like, you can find them on my YouTube channel and also on the “my vids” tag on this dreamwidth.

I’m also hoping to gather some recs, if people have them! I’m sort of hoping people will get in touch and self-rec. I was in a couple of community theatre streams and I plan to ask whether I can use those, I’m also as I said going to look at G&S’s back catalogue, but other than that, dunno??

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It's over, please, I'm on my knees, I'm begging you to stop

Tue, 13 Apr 2021 21:00:18 GMT

So I both sincerely hope and doubt that this is the first you're hearing of this, and if somehow so, I apologize, but I feel weird not noting here that my dear friend Phoebe (purplefringe) passed away in her sleep in February.

I don't really want to talk about it here at this stage, but I don't want to use this dreamwidth for other things in the (probably near) future without a note of some kind first, so here we are. She was my friend, and I loved her, and I'm really hating the idea of the world without her in it.

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Fanworks Premiere!

Mon, 26 Oct 2020 00:38:50 GMT

Title: Odds Are
Fandom: Critical Role
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Music: Odds Are - Barenaked Ladies
Content notes: ...Major character death is obliquely referred to. *eye dart*
Summary: "Odds are we gonna be all right."
Notes: I still love their faces.
Spoilers: Both campaigns, up to 108-ish of 2.
Download: here|193 mb
Also on: AO3|Tumblr

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Dear Festividder Letter

Sun, 25 Oct 2020 23:43:03 GMT

This is a placeholder but in case I don't get to it in good time, my exchange letters tag should be helpful!

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